Stepfamily Specific Problems

© Dr. Nodrick 2002

 

Question: 

How can I tell if the problems we are having are a product of stepfamily dynamics or something else?

Answer:

Stepfamily dynamics tend to produce predictable difficulties in stepfamilies. Many of these difficulties are simply not seen in a biological family. Others are seen much less frequently in a biological family. However, stepfamilies can also have problems that have little or nothing to do with stepfamily dynamics.

Following is a sample of problems that are likely to appear in a stepfamily, but not in a biological family. 

Conflict:

·         Conflict with a prior spouse (usually "his" prior spouse)

·         Conflict regarding the discipline of each other's kids

·         The biological parent acts like a "mama bear" when the stepparent tries to discipline her kids

·         Kids are disrespectful /disobedient/impolite towards the stepparent

·         Stepsibling conflict

Confusion:

·         Unclear about your role and what you have to do to be successful in it

·         Unsettled issues regarding names, titles, etc. (e.g., how to address the stepparent)

·         Differences of opinions regarding who does/doesn't belong in the family

·         It seems like two different families are living in the same house

·         Couple appears to have few or no problems when the kids are not around

Chaos:

·         Prior spouse frequently disrupts your schedule and plans for your stepfamily--often at the last minute

·         "Disneyland" parenting -- the absence of a viable structure and workable rules for part-time kids

·         Recurrent confusion and moodiness at the start and end of each "visit"

Overwhelming Feelings:

·         Feeling like an "outsider"

·         Feeling unacknowledged and unappreciated for all the things you do for your stepchildren

·         Feeling jealous of your partner's child(ren)

·         Feeling responsible for kids over whom you have no authority

·         Feeling caught in the middle -- usually between your kids and your new partner

·         Feeling your partner is profoundly unfair towards your kids

·         Feeling that you are failing again -- so it must be your fault

 

The more concerns such as these are present in your stepfamily, the more helpful a course such as Building Stepfamilies That Work is likely to be for you and your stepfamily.

I hope that helps.

Regards,

 

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Stepfamily Foundation of Alberta