Q & A: Stepfamily Specific Problems

Question: 

How can I tell if the problems we are having are a product of stepfamily dynamics or something else?

Answer:

Stepfamily dynamics tend to produce predictable difficulties in stepfamilies. Many of these difficulties are simply not seen in a biological family. Others are seen much less frequently in a biological family. However, stepfamilies can also have problems that have little or nothing to do with stepfamily dynamics.

Following is a sample of problems that are likely to appear in a stepfamily, but not in a biological family. 

Conflict:

• Conflict with a prior spouse (usually "his" prior spouse)

• Conflict regarding the discipline of each other's kids

• The biological parent acts like a "mama bear" when the stepparent tries to discipline her kids

• Kids are disrespectful /disobedient/impolite towards the stepparent

• Stepsibling conflict

Confusion:

• Unclear about your role and what you have to do to be successful in it

• Unsettled issues regarding names, titles, etc. (e.g., how to address the stepparent)

• Differences of opinions regarding who does/doesn't belong in the family

• It seems like two different families are living in the same house

• Couple appears to have few or no problems when the kids are not around

Chaos:

• Prior spouse frequently disrupts your schedule and plans for your stepfamily--often at the last minute

• "Disneyland" parenting -- the absence of a viable structure and workable rules for part-time kids

• Recurrent confusion and moodiness at the start and end of each "visit"

Overwhelming Feelings:

• Feeling like an "outsider"

• Feeling unacknowledged and unappreciated for all the things you do for your stepchildren

• Feeling jealous of your partner's child(ren)

• Feeling responsible for kids over whom you have no authority

• Feeling caught in the middle between your kids and your new partner

• Feeling your partner is profoundly unfair towards your kids

• Feeling that you are failing again--so it must be your fault

The more concerns such as these are present in your stepfamily, the more helpful a course such as Building Stepfamilies That Work is likely to be for you and your stepfamily.

I hope that helps.

Regards,