Misguided vs. Effective Stepparenting

Stepfamily Association of America - Pittsburgh Chapter
                                                                                               
The contrast between a misguided and an effective approach to stepparenting provides a key to success in the stepfamily. Clearly, the effective stepparent works with accurate information and chooses specific behaviors to build toward positive relationships.                         
                                                                                               
The Misguided Stepparent 
Tries to replace the absent parent                                                                                       			 
Feels insecure about stepparent role 	 
Wants to own children and their affections 	 
Attempts to cut ties with noncustodial parent 	 
Assumes children cannot love several adults 	 
Creates loyalty conflicts for children 
Demands love and acceptance...                         
Expects to care about stepchildren immediately 
Expects children to express affection right away
Feels guilty when children express affection they don't really feel
Insists feelings for stepchildren and biological children are the same... 
Tries to deny rather than accept differences in feelings 
Feels guilty for loving own children "more" 
Overcompensates with stepchildren by giving gifts, spending extra time, expressing phony feelings Manages everyone else's relationships as        
Takes on problems of all family members as own 
Interferes in communication efforts of siblings, kids, biological parents 
Keeps family members from forming direct relationships with one another 
Insists on being included in all activities 
Deprives parents and children of needed private time and space together 
Assumes peacemaker role
Fears another family loss...                  
Believes difficulties imply failure 
Denies problems exist 
Shuts out negative emotions 
Reacts defensively when stated feelings and real feelings clash 	 
Strives to be perfect and thus, counteract "wicked stepparent" myth... 
Allows no imperfection in self as parent figure 
Avoids mistakes at all costs 
Suppresses negative emotions 
Refuses to state any opinions that might create conflict 
Feels sorry for children of loss... 
Tries to make up for children's parental loss 
Pities children and delays grieving process necessary to heal 
Indulges, pampers and therefore prevents stepchildren from learning to understand life as it really is with its pain and adversities 
Insists on family unity 
Views goals as happiness and harmony at all costs 
Uses family "togetherness" to show outsiders "how great we're doing"                      
Dictates activities and denies free choices among family members                           
Diverts family members from preferred activities 
The Effective Stepparent
Recognizes importance of noncustodial parent.
Respects children's need and right to love that parent.
Helps stepchildren nurture relationship by encouraging them to write, phone, visit.
Allows pictures and mementos of biological parent without creating conflict.
Invites parent to important milestone ceremonies and events.
Strives to be added parent figure and friend rather than substitute parent.
Acknowledges existing bond between new spouse and children.
Realizes it's natural to feel closer to biological children.
Reduces jealousy and competition for time and attention              
Controls resentment when child and parent need time alone              
Allows time for relationships to develop...                          
Focuses on process of developing as a family unit                       
Values each small success as evidence of relationship growth     
Minimizes worrying or trying to force progress                      
Respects and accepts others as new family forms                        
Manages own relationships with each child...                            
Avoids interfering in other people's problems unless invited    
Encourages family members to care for own needs and relationships     
Understands family life cannot always be happy...                  
Accepts that problems exist         
Understands that unhappy experiences teach children coping skills                              
Allows full expression of emotions whether negative or positive, pleasant or unpleasant              
Possesses the courage to be imperfect...                        
Rejects fairy-tale myths and unrealistic media portrayals of stepfamilies                        
Understands every mistake does not reflect cruel-stepparent image      
Realizes the way people learn is by making mistakes, thinking about them and trying again               
Shares own mistakes to give children permission to be imperfect and human                           
Accepts grief and loss as part of life's experience...                
Encourages children to fact the reality of death or divorce that preceded stepfamily                 
Feels empathy, not sympathy, with children of loss                    
Helps kids confront and express feelings that grief elicits         
Provides strength and encouragement so children can move in to the future 
Lets go...                          
Permits children to belong to two families with a minimum of fuss     
Allows children to spend time with peers, activities and other parent without fearing the stability of the stepfamily is threatened
Plans family activities without forcing participation               
Uses time away from children to enhance relationship with spouse

Misguided vs Effective Stepparenting.rtf Feb 2008