Building Stepfamilies That Work©	

Tips on Communicating with your Prior Spouse  

© Bill Nodrick, PhD and Bev Nodrick, RSW 2001

The high road is always a good choice.

•	Stop calling him/her “the Ex”; and do your best to think only neutral or positive thoughts about him/her.
•	The goal is to have a functional relationship – like you have with a 7-11 store clerk – pleasant, effective and direct.  
•	Being too helpful or too friendly with your prior spouse may engender suspicions of ‘infidelity’ in your current spouse.
•	Recognize that if anger and conflict are in abundance, that at least one of you may not have acknowledged the death of the family as you knew it; and that it is easier to be angry than sad. 
•	Resist trying to be the head of two households.
•	Be clear about your willingness to implement sanctions your prior spouse has imposed.
•	Recognize that your prior spouse loves your children and they love him/her.  Don’t bad mouth him/her because it harms the children—and it will come back to haunt you.
•	Supply your Ex with the booklet, Because Life Goes On: Helping Children Live With Separation and Divorce (available from: http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/mh-sm/divorce/) and the article, Mediating Agreement on Parenting Issues by Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran (available at www.stepfamily.ca).
•	Recognize that the children may be providing your prior spouse with misinformation in an effort to align with him/her.
•	Don’t “put your kids in the middle” of your communication with your prior spouse.
•	Encourage your kids to be respectful of the prior spouse’s house rules when they are staying with him/her.
•	If (additional) support payments are at issue (say $50 per month) ask yourself if you would willingly take on feeling as you do 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, 365 days per year for the sum of $50 per month?  If you would decline a job such as that, maybe the additional payment is well worth it.
•	Keep the topic of conversation on the business items or the children.
•	Don't feel you must immediately respond to demands by your prior spouse. If you feel pressured say: “If you need to have an answer right now, it will have to be ‘No’; but, if I have some time to think about it, it might be ‘Yes’ ”.
•	If you absolutely cannot talk to your ex-spouse, find a neutral third party to exchange information.  Children are not a neutral third party. Do not relay messages to your prior spouse through your children.
•	Use "I" statements, not "you" statements.
•	If communication through verbal means is too emotionally charged, try written or electronic communication.
•	Keep to commitments about visiting and support payments as closely as possible.
•	Share information about your child(ren) with your prior spouse if communication is open, so both of you can appreciate and enjoy their unique characteristics.

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Tips on Communicating with the Prior Spouse.rtf Feb 2008