Stepfamilies:  Strengthening Your Couple Relationship

Mary W. Temke, Ph.D. and  Amy Clement

"...and they lived happily ever after." This dream may sound good in fairy tales, but real marriages have many ups and downs. Building a strong relationship takes time, attention and lots of energy! 

In stepfamilies, the couple relationship is the key to a strong family. Spouses who work together can overcome problems, but this isn't a simple task. Couples who head stepfamilies face special challenges in their marriages. 

•	The couple relationship is newer than one or more parent-child relationship. It may be more fragile or easily shaken.
•	Each parent is trying to keep a relationship to his or her own children while developing ties to stepchildren.
•	Outside commitments, work and arrangements with former spouses add to the demands. Many couples have difficulty finding time to strengthen their own relationship. As busy as they are, couples need time to be alone. Couples must talk about what they need and want from each other, and their hopes for the whole family. 

Letting Go of The Past The past often carries over and affects new relationships. After a divorce, letting go of the dreams and wishes that a couple once shared may be hard. 

Even if the marriage was unhappy, the first couple may have had hopes and future plans. For example, they may have planned to work together in a small business or remodel their home. Adults need to mourn the loss of a marriage before entering a new relationship. 

For the new couple, dealing with former spouses can be a trying task. It's easy to fall into the trap of arguing about former spouses. There are many reminders that a husband or wife was once married to someone else. A new wife may receive a phone call for "Mrs. Thomas Grant" only to find out the caller is looking for the first "Mrs. Grant." 

A stepchild is also a constant reminder of the ex-spouse. A stepdaughter may have her father's brown eyes and sense of humor. A new couple who shares children with former spouses can't avoid them. They must talk about their feelings and discuss methods for dealing with former spouses.

Communication Couples may be so anxious for a new marriage to succeed, they keep their negative feelings inside. Their conflicts remain unresolved. 

Family members with stored up frustrations may explode at any time. Couples need to express their needs and wants to each other. Hinting about feelings or keeping them hidden only leads to hostility. 

Open and clear communication takes time and trust. Using "I messages" can help. For example, a hurt spouse may say, "You always choose your son's ideas over mine." An "I 

message" like "I feel hurt and left out when you and John make the plans for the weekends" is more likely to open communication. 

It's also important to communicate clearly with children about plans and household rules. Children who fear losing parents to new marriages may try to unite with their parents and exclude their stepparents. 

For example, a stepdaughter may shrug off her stepdad's idea to go to an afternoon movie. He may feel angry if she turns to her mother and says. "What are we going to do today?" 

Partners must remain united. A secure marriage can help the whole family cope with hard times. 

It's wise to leave discipline to biological parents at first. In the meantime, partners should discuss among them- selves what they expect from their children. Communicating calmly, in private, can help a couple to develop common goals and support each other in dealing with children.

A Complicated World Have you ever considered how complex stepfamily households can become? The structure of a stepfamily often affects marital satisfaction. Some stepfamily households are somewhat simple. A couple may have one stepchild who lives with them on the weekends. Some are more complex. Both partners may have biological children living with them most of the time. 

The more complicated the family make-up is, the greater the chance of running into difficulties. Family re- searchers have found marital satisfaction is usually higher in simpler households. 

Couples in complex family situations have to make an extra effort to recognize their special pressures. They need to communicate clearly and find time to strengthen their marriages.

Just the Two of Us Living with children or having them visit makes it difficult for couples to find time for each other. Often, when couples do find a few moments, they talk about their conflicts, or make arrangements for the children. Couples must find time to be alone, time to be intimate and time to have fun with each other. 

The demands of children, ex-spouses, relatives, work and parenting can be overwhelming. Discuss these competing needs. 

The goal is to set aside time for children and friends. as well as time to be alone and time with a partner. Partners' time alone can be used to resolve conflicts and to enjoy each other. 

Work at Strengthening Your Couple Relationship 

•	Plan time each week for activities each of you enjoy. If you don't plan a walk or a dinner together, it won't happen. Make time to be together. 

•	Tell your partner about your expectations, needs, feelings, and frustrations. Communicate clearly and directly with your spouse.

•	Support each other. Recognize that you will run into bumps along the way. It takes time to create a satisfying and loving relationship.

•	Set a time to discuss stepfamily matters. These may include finances, children, housing and transportation arrangements. It may help to set a time limit when discussing these issues.

•	Allow time for yourself. Continue special activities, such as gardening, reading, painting or woodworking.

•	Talk with your partner about the strengths you each see in your relationship. Let your partner know when you feel happy and satisfied. Bring out the positive side of your relationship.

•	Make new friends as a couple. Common interests and friends are important when building your couple relationship.

•	Remember, when your couple relationship is happy, you will have more happiness to share with your children.

References
Einstein, E. & Albert, L. Strengthening Your Stepfamily  Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service, 1986. 
Keshet, J .K. Love and Power in the Stepfamily: A Practical Guide, New York: McGraw- Hill Book Company, 1987. 
Papernow, P. Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1993. 
Shared Custody: Increasing Benefits and Reducing Strains, Oregon State University Extension Service. 

Credit
This fact sheet was developed by Mary W. Temke, Ph.D., Extension Specialist, Human Development, with assistance by Amy Clement, a graduate student in the University of New Hampshire's Department of Family Studies. 

"Helping You Put Knowledge and Research To Work" The University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension is an equal opportunity educator and employer. University of New Hampshire, U.S. Department of Agriculture and N.H. counties coopere~ing. 8/95
Strengthening Your Couple Relationship.rtf Feb 2008